why.

Written on  15th June 14’

Death.

It doesn’t seem real to me.

I don’t fear death.

But I’ve never had someone so close die before.

And it seems too surreal. Still.

The look on my dad’s face as he bared the news, I hardly ever see him cry so distraughtly. It’s that look before the break down which got my heart and stomach in a complicated knot.

It topples on you like a pile of bricks weighted heavier than the cement that makes it.

The overwhelming sensation as it flows from your head to the depths of your feet and there’s no way to control what occurs next. Your emotions disconnect from your body and your head runs mental. Your throat dries up, and as you take a deep breath in you let yourself run wild.

And when no information is shared about what happened, well then that is the worst, our mind skips to conclusions.

And those conclusions could be worst then what actually happened. Although, nothing can be as worst as death.

We sit in shock at the kitchen table, fragmented words passed through slight whispers breaking the barrier of silence. Scrolling my thumb simultaneously through Facebook newsfeed, unaware of why I do so. Perhaps it’s the only prosaic gesture that would desensitize the pain. Headaches formed from questions unanswered.

My brain was twirling a dictionary list of words that I wish I could have told her.

I’ve never experienced a person’s death before, especially not so suddenly.

And it hurts

It hurts because what felt like only a few days ago would be the last time you ever saw them

It hurts, because death hurts everyone around you, including you.

And you start to think of all the people affected from a loss so great. It’s not just my immediate family losing a wife, sister, daughter, aunty or mother but the effect of lives my aunty had touched on a daily basis.

And there’s nothing you can do about it but pray.

In the last few hours since I heard the news I have been thinking about our time on earth. We need to value people, anyone at all, friends or foes, rich or poor, black or white, intelligent or dumb. We need to show love, compassion and appreciation to the people around us. We need to love more and give more. We need to learn people’s stories- their inevitable past and decidable future. We need to try and understand the journey that they are walking. But most of all, we need to know that God always has an answer to our hurt. His plan is always bigger, even at the time we may not see it and although this time is really hard for my family and I, I know he has greater things in store.

5 Comments

  1. Elly, real beauty comes from strength. And you are indeed beautiful, this, along with most everything you stand for is magnificent. Keep on keeping on my dear xxx

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